Crying While Running is my New Therapy.

I've been running again.

This time, I usually have a cry while I'm pounding pavement.

Alone in my thoughts is why, I suppose. I see something or some random thought pops in my head, and the tears start while I'm at 2.3km into a 5k run.

Today, seeing two children using motorized wheelchairs was my trigger.

They looked like happy kids. Out for a stroll with their dad or older brother, and dog. Enjoying the crisp air. I smiled as I passed them, and then the dark thought cloud rolled into my brain.

It's not pity. Pity is gross. But it was a sadness for those children that I felt as I ran by. I felt guilty for running by them. Then my thoughts turn to, "What if that was Theo?" and I start thinking about how lucky we are to have had a healthy baby boy, and the tears start.

We ARE so very lucky to have a healthy baby. So many do not. My heart aches for those families who go through hell with their poor, sick children.

So I cry when I run. I let my heart hurt. I let it out. And I say a prayer for all the babies in this world.

A Note on Blogging.

I don't really read a whole lot of parenting blogs or forums, for a few reasons. 

One: most people contributing to them are idiots and i have a low tolerance for stupidity. 

Two: they use stupid abbreviations like DH for "dear hubby", or DS/DD (dear son/daughter), and the like. OMG - these abbreviations annoy me even more than jaywalkers, and damn do jaywalkers annoy the shit out of me. I don't know why, but they just DO. Even if the poster happens to have some decent advice, if they use DH or DD/DS, I will roll my eyes and label that person as a friggin moron. 

So, what makes this blog different? 

It's not a true parenting blog. Really, it's just a medium in which i can express my thoughts on a variety of subjects. While I can't guarantee that I won't be an idiot (in some people's opinions), I can guarantee that I will never refer to my husband as DH, nor my son as DS.

Maybe AH (asshole husband), but never DH.

Glass Case of Emotions

I've always been an emotional person.

I cry about a lot of things - commericals, sentimental Hallmark cards, happy times, sad times. I cry when I'm angry (GOD, i hate that), I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad. I'm surprised I'm not crying while writing this - the reason I'm not is because I cried just BEFORE writing this.

I find myself being a bit more emotional when it comes to news stories, TV show storylines, and the like involving babies - especially baby boys. I identify with having a baby boy more than I did before, because, duh, I didn't have a baby boy before March of this year. The thing is - it KEEPS me in a sad state of mind. Before, I could cry about something - let's say, a death of a child in the news - and after being sad for the child, sad for the family, having my little cry, I could move on. Now - it sticks with me. I read a story about a little boy being killed at the hands of his 'mother', and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about that poor, sweet, innocent child....I think of how sweet he would have smelt, his little cries for his mama to love him, his little baby noises. I can't stop thinking about this poor baby and the shitty mother he was given. Or the shitty father he had. I look at my baby, and I can't imagine how anyone could hurt someone so small, so sweet. And my heart hurts for those babies that were hurt.

I trigger cry to the song "New Slang" by the Shins, because it was in a movie where an adult son died and his father continued on a trip the son was taking ("the  Way") because I feel I'd do the same thing if it were my son. I cry watching Grey's Anatomy even more now when a child has a life threatening disease or injury, because - what if that happens to my child? Dammit, even thinking about if "The Walking Dead" were to come true, I cry in fear for my son now. How fucked is that. Crying about ZOMBIES EATING MY CHILD, WHEN ZOMBIES DO NOT EXIST.

I knew parenthood would 'change everything'. I knew I'd worry more, and have more stress. I guess I anticipated having a few more cries. I didn't realize just how MUCH though. I've definitely increased our Kleenex budget.