Reading about a "vaccine-free" daycare in Ottawa.To all these parents who make the choice not to vaccinate their children after they did "all kinds" of "research", I'd like to know where they got their "PhDs" in dipshitology. Your "research" does not trump that of actual experts. I don't understand how anyone can ignore proof and facts from leading health professionals that vaccinations are safe and necessary. Kale will not save your baby from measles. 

I'm not looking to start a debate, can't change my mind. I just had to vent. 

The news of Target packing up and leaving Canada hit a lot of people hard yesterday. I felt like crying myself, to be honest, and I'm not one of the thousands of workers out of a job.

Walking downtown yesterday, I was thinking of how sad I am that a favorite store will no longer be around. And about how sad it is that I am so sad. I started thinking of the things I will publicly post about on social media sites like Facebook that make me upset. I don't post about a lot of things that make me upset, at least not the things that matter most.

When the shooting at the War Memorial happened in October, I didn't write too much about it. It's not that I don't care - I sure as hell do care. But if i were to write about everything that gets me upset in life, I'd never stop updating. I'd never smile again, because there is SO much out there that gets me depressed. So I share the more 'lighthearted' things that make me sad, or upset. It's easier to get over the fact I'll no longer be able to buy Beaver Canoe than it is to share with everyone that I cry every time I walk by the War Memorial.

Crying While Running is my New Therapy.

I've been running again.

This time, I usually have a cry while I'm pounding pavement.

Alone in my thoughts is why, I suppose. I see something or some random thought pops in my head, and the tears start while I'm at 2.3km into a 5k run.

Today, seeing two children using motorized wheelchairs was my trigger.

They looked like happy kids. Out for a stroll with their dad or older brother, and dog. Enjoying the crisp air. I smiled as I passed them, and then the dark thought cloud rolled into my brain.

It's not pity. Pity is gross. But it was a sadness for those children that I felt as I ran by. I felt guilty for running by them. Then my thoughts turn to, "What if that was Theo?" and I start thinking about how lucky we are to have had a healthy baby boy, and the tears start.

We ARE so very lucky to have a healthy baby. So many do not. My heart aches for those families who go through hell with their poor, sick children.

So I cry when I run. I let my heart hurt. I let it out. And I say a prayer for all the babies in this world.

A Note on Blogging.

I don't really read a whole lot of parenting blogs or forums, for a few reasons. 

One: most people contributing to them are idiots and i have a low tolerance for stupidity. 

Two: they use stupid abbreviations like DH for "dear hubby", or DS/DD (dear son/daughter), and the like. OMG - these abbreviations annoy me even more than jaywalkers, and damn do jaywalkers annoy the shit out of me. I don't know why, but they just DO. Even if the poster happens to have some decent advice, if they use DH or DD/DS, I will roll my eyes and label that person as a friggin moron. 

So, what makes this blog different? 

It's not a true parenting blog. Really, it's just a medium in which i can express my thoughts on a variety of subjects. While I can't guarantee that I won't be an idiot (in some people's opinions), I can guarantee that I will never refer to my husband as DH, nor my son as DS.

Maybe AH (asshole husband), but never DH.

Glass Case of Emotions

I've always been an emotional person.

I cry about a lot of things - commericals, sentimental Hallmark cards, happy times, sad times. I cry when I'm angry (GOD, i hate that), I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad. I'm surprised I'm not crying while writing this - the reason I'm not is because I cried just BEFORE writing this.

I find myself being a bit more emotional when it comes to news stories, TV show storylines, and the like involving babies - especially baby boys. I identify with having a baby boy more than I did before, because, duh, I didn't have a baby boy before March of this year. The thing is - it KEEPS me in a sad state of mind. Before, I could cry about something - let's say, a death of a child in the news - and after being sad for the child, sad for the family, having my little cry, I could move on. Now - it sticks with me. I read a story about a little boy being killed at the hands of his 'mother', and I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about that poor, sweet, innocent child....I think of how sweet he would have smelt, his little cries for his mama to love him, his little baby noises. I can't stop thinking about this poor baby and the shitty mother he was given. Or the shitty father he had. I look at my baby, and I can't imagine how anyone could hurt someone so small, so sweet. And my heart hurts for those babies that were hurt.

I trigger cry to the song "New Slang" by the Shins, because it was in a movie where an adult son died and his father continued on a trip the son was taking ("the  Way") because I feel I'd do the same thing if it were my son. I cry watching Grey's Anatomy even more now when a child has a life threatening disease or injury, because - what if that happens to my child? Dammit, even thinking about if "The Walking Dead" were to come true, I cry in fear for my son now. How fucked is that. Crying about ZOMBIES EATING MY CHILD, WHEN ZOMBIES DO NOT EXIST.

I knew parenthood would 'change everything'. I knew I'd worry more, and have more stress. I guess I anticipated having a few more cries. I didn't realize just how MUCH though. I've definitely increased our Kleenex budget.

Scaredy Cat

Maybe it's the time of the year, but lately, my mind has been consumed with my fears. Mix halloween and fright along with the impending changes in your life once Baby Lex (not the child's real name, just a nickname for now) arrives, and you got one big Scaredy Cat Nelly.

I'm terrified of growing old and death. I'm scared of losing my parents, scared of losing my sisters, scared of losing my husband, scared of losing my family. I'm scared shitless of raising a child who might have health issues and die young. I am afraid of not raising my child with the confidence and abilities they need to stand up for themselves when it comes to things like bullying and the like. I'm terrified of what our future world is going to be like, and if bringing a child into it is worth it. These are the thoughts that run though my head too often, and make me cry in the shower.

Basically, I'm afraid of the future and everything in it. I like things how they are now.

Baby on Board.

I wasn't exactly truthful in my last post.

Well, I didn't lie - I guess I just omitted some details, particularly why I hadn't been drinking and why I cut out pop and the like. And that reason why was because I am pregnant.

Yes, we found out late July (the 24th) that I was with child. Just a couple weeks along, so it was still quite 'fresh'. And of course, as soon as I found out, that was it for wine. Until we meet again, old friend....

Thus, a new theme for this blog. Not that there ever was one, as I posted quite sporatically and on random topics. There will be less about trying to stay active (though I am still trying to stay active while pregnant, but the first trimester pretty much said NO to that idea), and more about just random things that pop into this pregnant lady's head. Which is a lot, and is still quite random.

With that, just a little blurb about how pregnancy is going for me so far.

...it's been great. Like, weirdly great. You hear all these horrible stories about pregnancy, from sickness to stress, and lots of other unpleasantness. I have (yet) to experience anything terrible. I had one day where my stomach felt a little bit 'pukey' but I did not puke, and it passed by me as quick as it came on. Other than the extreme exhaustion during the first trimester, and the insane hunger, I really don't feel 'pregnant'. I thought I'd feel different in some way. I have a few more blemishes on my chest and back, but meh, I don't see that as bad. I haven't had any major food cravings (which I really wish I did), and no real aversions to anything.

My stomach is kinda looking more like a pregnant lady's belly rather than just a flabby belly, thank god. More on that topic another day.

So yeah - pregnancy has been great so far...other than no longer having any pants that properly fit!